Breaking Up By SMS: Cowardly or OK?

The definitive guide for appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior in German-speaking Europe has officially ruled that relationships can be ended via SMS. But now its president has come under attack and several board members resigned in protest. Who is right? And what constitutes acceptable communication online?

Last week I wrote in these pages about the power of the Internet and social networks to produce either positive externalities like bringing down dictators, or negative externalities like destroying someone's name or life. (All your interesting feedback and ideas were much appreciated.)

What I did not write about is, What constitutes good behavior in cyber-space, for example in the treacherous minefield of communication?

Now Hans-Michael Klein, the president of the "Knigge," the organization that deems what are good or bad manners, has publicly pronounced that ending a relationship with a text message is socially acceptable.

The "Knigge" is named after the German writer and freemason Freiherr Adolph Franz Friedrich Ludwig Knigge, who lived in the late 18th century and is best known for his book "Über den Umgang mit Menschen" ("On Human Relations"), a treatise on the fundamental principles of human relations that became the authoritative guide on good manners, politeness and etiquette.

Only days after Dr. Klein's ruling, several of his board members resigned in protest.

Who is right? Is the breakup-SMS acceptable, or is it cowardly and devoid of dignity? "It is important that you split in a human and dignified way," says couples therapist Klaus Heer. "With 160 characters that is not possible."

Breaking up has probably never been easy (see video), neither for the person breaking up (except perhaps for a temporary feeling of relief afterward) nor for the receiver of the breakup message.



A quick internet search yielded a plethora of tips and examples of breakup messages. For example:

"Have I told you lately how much I am in love with you??? No?? Think about it, have a great life..."

"I get so emotional when your not around.. I think the emotion is called happiness."

"Look, I'm turning 16 soon, and I really just need my freedom!"

The last example brings up the idea that this is likely a generational thing. According to one German study, already 3 million people have kissed a relationship good-bye via SMS, most of them young people.

And the Berne Museum for Communication asked almost 15,000 visitors if a breakup-SMS was OK. 30% of people under 25 said yes. Of older people, 15% said yes. 

What do you think? Is it OK to break up via SMS, or is it disgusting? Do you have examples of good and/or bad break-up text messages you have seen or used? I look forward to reading you on my blog (http://thomaszweifel.blogspot.com/).

All the best,

P.S. To download my latest book Leading Leaders: The Art and Science of Boosting Return on People (ROP) for free, go to Leading-Leaders.